A Good Friend Is Worth Their Weight In Cheesecake

I've never been one to have many friends.

I could come up with a whole slew of reasons but what it just comes down to is loyalty. I guess I always found it easier to be fiercely loyal to your friends when you didn't have a million of them. Don't get me wrong, I have many friends. But close, dear, sisterhood friends... Well, those numbers are few.

But when you have friends like I do, it doesn't matter if there is 1 or 100. Let me explain:

One of my dearest friends ever is Jen. We met when I transferred to Orem and was working with her Husband Gary. The first time I met her was at our store Christmas Party. We were all out in the living room and kitchen eating and playing games. She was stuck in her bedroom with a broken leg. Serious enough to have needed surgery.

So I guess I didn't really meet her then, I just heard her voice. But I digress.
When I transferred back to Murray and a position opened up for an additional Tech (I was a phone technician at a Nationwide Cell Phone Provider) I thought of Jen.

During that time in my life I was not a nice person. But that is a whole blog series of its own. Needless to say, its a true glimpse of Jen's character that she is still my friend.

We have been pregnant at the same time with both our children. Their due dates were always SO close. And it was a HUGE shock to us as it was NOT planned. Our daughters ended up being born about 1 1/2 days apart.

We were able to experience those first time mother things together and then remind each other how to do it the second time around. We had the same parenting schedule so we could call and ask for tips and advice. Play dates were awesome because we did things the same way.

When Noah was born and I needed someone to care for Lilly, she was there. I didn't want to take Lilly away from her home, knowing that we would be leaving for a long time very shortly. I tried to keep things comfortable for her. Jen understood. She brought her family up to play with Lilly while Shane and I were getting the transplant transportation and odds and ends taken care off. There are no words to explain what that meant to me. But she knew how much I needed it.

These sort of events continue to repeat themselves. As is the case when you find yourself blessed enough to have a friend like mine.

Tomorrow (Friday, as I am writing this late Thursday night) is her Birthday. Tonight was her Birthday dinner celebration and I had to miss it. Lilly being sick, chance we are all infected, and the yucky side effects of the Tamiflu that makes you feel like crud... It just wouldn't have been right to crash her party and bring a gift (of the pig variety) to her guests.

So what does she do?

She drives, completely out of her way I might add, to my house to give Shane and I our favorite flavors of Cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.

She missed us and didn't want us to miss out on the treats. You would think it was my birthday and not hers. But see, that's just the type of friend she is.

One time, she even drove the 30plus minutes to my house, in the middle of the night, to bring me a slurpee.

I adore her. I respect her, I admire her. I love her. She is a sister to me. Her family is part of my family. And my life is blessed just to have known her.

Happy Birthday Jen!

*Why don't you come and sit right here? *patpat*

**hugs**

Be A Hero. Be An Organ Donor.

Gone To The Pigs

I tried to get the kids the H1N1 vaccine. The lines were insane and the quantity, limited. So we never did get one. But we did get the seasonal flu vaccine.

I know there are many people out there who don't or won't get a flu shot. For us, the small risk associated with any vaccine isn't enough to prevent us from getting it. And it's not just because we don't want to get sick.

Yes, it's true, that with Noah's suppressed immune system he is more susceptible to getting germs but he is also more likely to get sicker. When he gets sick, it revs up his immune system. The whole reason he is on immune suppression is because with a fully active or revved up immune system, it starts to attack his heart. Causing rejection and heart failure.

So, you see, it's not just a desire to avoid getting sick. It really is a life or death choice for us.

Monday afternoon, Lilly started seeming a bit sick. She had a small cough and complained of not feeling well. By the next morning, she could barely breath and I was afraid she was going to cough up a lung. She had a fever of 102 and was so tired. Classic symptoms of the flu.

We headed to the Urgent Care (our ped was out and the on-call Dr is the one who told me Noah was fine when 3 days later I found out he had pneumonia... so not worth the drive up there). They ran all the standard tests, including Strep and a flu test.

Everything came back negative, except the flu test. She did indeed test positive for Influenza A. And, since the seasonal flu has not made an appearance here in the great beehive state, I was told it was a 95% chance it was of the H1N1 variety.

In all honesty, this really worried me. I've heard how awful this virus can be on a persons lungs. I could see what a hard time breathing that Lilly was having (her O2 sats were in the high 80s). I couldn't help but think of Noah and his lowered immune system and his damaged lungs.

Thankfully, Noah's transplant coordinator is FABULOUS and she had already called in an Rx of Tamiflu for the entire family. If we can keep from getting sick, it will help keep Noah from getting sick.

Lilly is still not well but her breathing isn't as labored and while I have heard some coughing during the night from Noah, he has yet to get sick. I really think the Tamiflu is making a big difference.

By yesterday evening I was even feeling lousy, but I put the Netti pot to some good use and started my own Rx of Tamiflu and today I am feeling much better. I think the trick of it is to get it started as soon as possible and not wait until you already have a fever and cough. Although, that isn't always possible.

We are still not out of the woods. Lilly is still sick and her cough is pretty horrid. Noah could still get sick and that could be a whole world of hurt for him. But I feel more confident that all will be okay.

Many of you have reached out to me on Face Book and Twitter to offer your support and prayers. It means so much to me. As I have said many times, I know first hand (many times over) the power of prayer. So thank you for caring about the well being of my family.

Here is to hoping you all stay healthy and avoid this horrible virus.



Be A Hero. Be An Organ Donor.

A Breath of Fresh Air

The past few days I've been me again.

No anger, no yelling, more patience with the kiddies... What a relief. I was starting to wonder what happened to me.

Looking back, I think I figured it out.

I had started a new BC (darn hormones), I've been having some womanly issues going on 3 months now so I must have been a bit anemic, and the Lortab I've been taking (since my surgery in August) was starting to react badly in my system. Hence the meanness.

A few days ago I switched back to my old BC, started taking an iron supplement, and stopped the Lortab (now using Tramadol for the Fibro pain).

I can't believe it. I still have pain and exhaustion. I still don't feel good but I've gone to bed each night feeling peace. I haven't been yelling or losing patience. I have played and read books(lots and lots of books... It seems Lilly found her love of reading like her mom). Gotten my work done. Cooked and of course played around on Facebook. And all with a smile on my face.

Praying and reading scriptures and inspirational talks (like that quote from President Hinckley I shared in the post below) got me through the rough patch. It inspired me to keep trying and help ease my guilt.

But, boy... What a difference I feel now.

A HUGE sigh of relief. I don't have to hate myself anymore (until the next rough patch I guess.)

Loves,


Be A Hero. Be An Organ Donor.

Buffet: Blog Style

I've done a lot of posting about being a mother lately. Unfortunately, I've been having a difficult time. It's my fault. My children are really quite good kids. I've been very blessed in that way. They are sweet, loving, playful, happy kids. My patience has been suffering though. Dealing with horrible pain on a daily basis has taken all my strength from me.

I know that even the best of mothers have bad days but it's difficult for me not to feel like a total failure when I haven't done my best.

I'm sure I'm not alone. So I thought I would share a quote by a very wise man.

“Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interest in these His little ones. Now, love them, take care of them. Fathers, control your tempers, now and in all the years to come. Mothers, control your voices; keep them down. Rear your children in love, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Take care of your little ones. Welcome them into your homes, and nurture and love them with all of your hearts. They may do, in the years that come, some things you would not want them to do, but be patient, be patient. You have not failed as long as you have tried. Never forget that” Gordon B. Hinckley (Salt Lake University Third Stake conference, 3 Nov. 1996).

Mothers: You have not failed as long as you have tried. Never forget that!!

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I was reading this post over at Paul Cardall's blog Living for Eden. This man is a personal hero of mine. (He is a fabulous example of strength, faith, and a positive attitude) Through the tears that were uncontrollably springing from my eyes, I saw this...


Then I really started bawling. I have no words. If you have been there, you know exactly what I mean.

Check out the rest of the series here. So very moving.

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Tough times call for desperate measures and desperate measures mean I've been cooking. If effort counts toward success then I've been really successful. *eyeroll*

Shane says I've been keeping my cooking skills a secret for the past seven years. But in all honesty, I've had just as many failures as I have successes. But let me tell you, it's very upsetting to work super hard at creating a meal and putting in all this effort and time and have it just not turn out.

I've also learned, I am much better at "cooking" than I am at "baking". We ran out of bread this morning. So, instead of getting dressed and going to the store *lazy*, I decided to bake bread. It smells good. It even browned up nicely. Problem is, it didn't raise very well. They are stubby little things.

Better luck next time?

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We are ALL about getting the flu shot at our house.

Immune suppression, asthma, heart transplant.... yes, I've read the risks (and done the research) and the benefits out way them.

We have every intention of getting the H1N1 vaccine. All our doctors have recommended it and we just don't have the luxury of not getting it. So I am getting super frustrated that they are so hard to find. They finally got them in my county but they are so limited none of us can get one besides Noah. Lilly should qualify but because she is 4 months over 4 years old, she can't have the shot yet. She is only allowed the Flu Mist. Problem is, because Noah is immune suppressed, no one in the family can get the mist version. It's a live virus and could make Noah VERY sick.

We are staying in and avoiding crowds but I sure would feel better if I knew we had done everything we could to keep us healthy. Come on Government!! Get with the program. You ask us all to get the vaccine... give us enough of it to do just that!!

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One of my best friends is moving and it makes me sad.

It's not like she is moving out of state or across the Country. In all reality, she is only moving about 10 minutes further away. But I can't help but admit there was a part of me holding on to the dream of having our kids go to school together and go to church together. Until they decided not to move close, I was keeping up hope. Now, I'm like a little kid who doesn't get a treat at the supermarket.

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That's my update for now. It's time to finish working on dinner. I am roasting a ham. I made homemade cheesy scalloped potatoes. That's all cooking. So now I need to roast some asparagus (or maybe I'll cook up the artichokes in the fridge... hum...) and set the table.

Can I just say, I can not wait until my kids are old enough to do the dishes.



Be A Hero. Be An Organ Donor.

Nuts and Bolts

It's supposed to rain tomorrow. Yes, this might be a common occurrence during the fall, one that shouldn't cause too much extra fluff. If anything, it makes for a good day to turn on the heater, snuggle on the couch, and watch movies with the chillin. (aka the kids)

But not today. Today there is extra fluff. See, while driving to my parents house for dinner yesterday the weather was fabulous. It was warm and sunny. So we rolled down the windows. Now, the window by Lilly's seat won't roll back up.

If the weather was going to stay nice I might think this was a good opportunity to get some fresh air. But since its going to rain and I don't want to drive a swimming pool on wheels, its a bit frustrating.

Then, because everyone likes frosting on their cake, my dad informs me he thinks I have a hole in my muffler. When we started the car he could hear a rattle and smell exhaust by the passenger door. Oh yay! Frosting!

And because there is always room for jello too... Let's not forget to mention the needed oil change, the squealing breaks, and the broken valve on the natural gas canister.

So here I sit, at the mechanic. This place has treated me well in the past but I'm always a bit nervous and leary of trusting someone who can mess with my cars.

The plan, is to at least get the window UP before it rains. Then save up some dough to come back and take care of the rest (one thing at a time).

After all this dessert talk, I think I need a treat.


**UPDATE**
The cables are completely broken so there is no way to get the window up and have it stay up. $120 for parts $130 for labor and now I'm broke.

**UPDATE #2**
I was quoted the wrong price. This window is more pricey I guess. Now the part is $200. So he cut the labor down for a total cost of $280. Just wanted to clarify.


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Bread and Butter

This is a post that is hard for me to share. I don't want all my weaknesses and struggles posted for the world to see. As fake as it would be, I would still love to only share the good angle pictures or moment-of-strength stories.

I'm hoping, though, that here you will find truth to be more powerful and that my doom and gloom won't frighten you away.
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In Lord of the Rings, Bilbo tries to explain to Gandolf what the ring of power has done to him. Stretching out his years... He describes it as butter spread too thinly across a piece of bread (yes, I paraphrased. Its been a while since I've seen the movie.)

This is how I feel. I feel thin. Stretched too far. Transparent.

But I also feel heavy. Weighed down by the pressures of life and the guilt of missed expectations. I could go on and on about it all. How I haven't been pain free in over a year. How that affects me as a person, a wife, and a mother. How I find myself relying on medication for even a sliver of relief. And yet, avoiding it, and making myself sicker in the process, to keep from becoming too dependent on it.

There are changes I need and want to make. I find myself questioning my abilities every day. Can I do it? Do I have anything left to give? What if's plague my thoughts.

I feel stretched thin.

All that said, I have to remind myself of a lesson I learned while living in a Ronald McDonald House, away from my husband and family, doing everything I could while my baby got sicker and sicker needing a heart transplant.

I felt thin and heavy then too. Different than now, yet the same in many ways.

Before I left for Denver, Shane and I met in a private room with my father and a close family friend.

My dad, a worthy priesthood holder, placed his hands on my head and gave me a Father's Blessing. During that blessing, I felt the love of both my fathers. My father here on Earth and my Father in Heaven.

I was promised, that when those times of great need came I shouldn't feel alone. That if I were to get on my knees and ask, I would be given strength beyond my own. That I would be lifted up and sustained through the tough times ahead.

I can say now, that the blessing given to me that day was what got me through the last 2 1/2 years.

I vividly remember having a very rough day. Seeing Noah getting so much sicker and then having to take Shane to the airport to go back home. Driving back to the RMH that night was awful. I didn't even have the strength within me to cry. I was lost and alone and empty.

I walked into my darkened room (Lilly and Jen were sleeping) and I went straight to the side of my bed and fell on my knees. I remembered the promise given to me that day in an empty hospital conference room. And now I found myself on my knees asking for what I needed so badly, comfort.

In the Bible there is a verse in John that says "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you."

That night, I felt the truth in those words and I put the promise to the test, I asked.(Or pleaded and begged might be more fitting.)

That entire room was filled with such peace and love. A feeling of complete comfort came over me. I laid down and I slept. Knowing that my Heavenly Father was going to help make me strong enough to make it through.

So now, how can I find myself feeling thin and heavy again? Worried about the future?

Because these times aren't as trying as before so I don't deserve to even ask?

Will I ever learn my lesson?

No, these times are not as difficult as before. But I'm struggling just as much because I'm not asking for help. The help I have been promised would come... If I asked!

Don't misunderstand. I still pray. I pray for my children and my husband, I pray for health and healing. I ask forgiveness of my weaknesses. But I haven't gotten down on my knees and asked like I did that night back at the RMH.

Why? Is it pride? Guilt? Do I wonder if I'm still worthy of that same promise if the trial isn't as severe?

But see, we all have been given this same promise. He will not leave us comfortless. He will come to us. He will give us the strength and comfort we need.

It's been said that the Lord will never give us more than we can bare. But what I think He meant was that regardless of what He sends our way, He will be there for us to give us the strength we need. He definitely doesn't expect us to do it alone.

So next time my pain is overwhelming or the withdrawal from the pain pills makes me sick, or in my weakness I struggle to be a good mother, I will remember that I don't have to do it alone.

Now that I've put this out there, I have to hold myself accountable. I have to get over my pride and humble myself before my Savior.

I feel silly even telling you all this. I know that in the big scheme of things and even compared to some people's little things my trials are small. I guess that just shows how truly weak I am.

But I am grateful for my faith. I'm grateful that everytime I'm not perfect (which is every moment of every day) I can be forgiven and try again. I am so grateful that I've been given the tools to make this earthly journey a good one. And yet I am so disappointed in my own stubbornness.

So next time I whine or have a bad day (or post on Face Book "Help Me Tom Cruise! (My FB status when I'm overwhelmed, that I borrowed from Taladega Nights)) Please, give me a swift kick to the rear and remind me where my help really comes from.

Regardless of how stubborn I am, I don't have to do it alone.





Be A Hero. Be An Organ Donor.

Confession Update

Last night I was riddled with guilt. Mommy guilt. One of the most crushing kinds (I think).

My tears were a very painful reminder that I needed to try harder. I prayed for forgiveness and renewed patience.

Today was a much better day. I needed my heart healed just as much as I needed to heal my babies.

We played. We sang songs. We cuddled and gave kisses. We smiled and laughed.

Today, I was a good mom.

I can't do it alone. Everyday I realize this. I need my Heavenly Father to help me be worthy of the angels he has blessed into my care. And He never disappoints. If I'm willing and humble enough to ask. He is always there for me.

Today was such a better day.



Be A Hero. Be An Organ Donor.

Confession

My children don't deserve me.

They are sweet, trusting, loving, perfect little beings.

I am irritated, tired, frustrated, and missing any patience.

I love them more than anything. There are no words to describe my love of these two little people.

And yet, I keep ending my days wishing I had shown more patience, more understanding, more love.

I pray every single day that Heavenly Father will make up the difference for me. That my children won't suffer because of my weaknesses and sins.

I remember dealing with infertility and praying to be a mom.

I remember watching my baby sick and praying that his time with me would be lengthened.

I haven't forgotten.

Yet, I have a lot of work to do to be worthy of those blessings.

Makes me sick to thing I'm not doing the best I know I can. I feel guilty.

My kids deserve so much more than just me.

But I am still so thankful for their beautiful smiles. They given reason and meaning to my life.




Be A Hero. Be An Organ Donor.

I Might Be On To Something

Having two kids and being sick has not been very kind to my body.

It's not a surprise to see I am TWICE the size I was in High School. (Maybe that's a little exaggerated but then maybe its not)

Here is what I do know:

*I am eating less.
*I'm being more selective of what I do eat. More veggies, fruits, whole grains.
*I've made drastic cuts in the soda intake.
*I exercise as much as the pain and fatigue allow. Its not enough. I get that. But it something. And its more than what I was doing. Plus, I also run after 2 kids and lug a diaper bag around every where I go and I swear that thing could weigh a ton if not two.

So why isn't the weight coming off?

Oh, I'll tell you!

Because I'm skipping dessert. Yep, that's the reason I'm not losing weight. I've been skipping dessert.

And what happens when you don't eat dessert? Well, you go about your nightly duties. Watch some TV, even brush your teeth. And just as you are about to get into bed... It hits you (or in this case it hits me).

I'm starving! Hunger pains. Growling tummy. The whole bit. I have to find something to eat before I throw up cause I am SO hungry.
So I eat. Doesn't matter what. Crackers and cheese. Sometimes a few chips, or even just a cheese stick or pickle spear.

But I eat it and then get in bed. So all that food just sits in my tummy. I'm never burning off anything because I eat it right before bed.

If I would just have eaten the darn dessert I wouldn't have gotten hungry right before bed.

So, don't do what I do. EAT your dessert. It helps make you thin.



Be A Hero. Be An Organ Donor.

Sleepy, Shots and Stars

Yesterday, staying awake was about all I accomplished. But if I'm being honest, I didn't accomplish it well.

Today, as much as I needed to sleep, I had more pressing things to attend to.

After Lilly got out of school, we drove straight to the pediatrician's office so Lilly and Noah could get their flu shot.

Noah went first. The nurse who gave the shots, Diane, is the same nurse who would give Noah his monthly Synagis shots the past two years. Those are painful shots and Noah knows exactly who Diane is and what she does.

He was a little nervous when he saw her but didn't cry. That was surprising because the last few times he even saw her he would lose it.

He got his quickly shot which scared him more than it hurt him. He only cried for a moment and was thrilled to leave with his Nemo sticker. He quickly informed that he was "ready GO!" as soon as he could.

Lilly wasn't to thrilled once she saw Noah get his but she amazes me with her bravery and maturity. She chose to get her "sticky" in her leg. She tensed up and got nervous but held still. It was over in a second and she relaxed and said "that didn't hurt my leg even a little!" She really is such a big girl.

We came home and ransacked the garage for all our Halloween decorations. Lilly was so excited. We put up the pumpkins and witches and even some sticky letters on our mirror. But the real find, was a Harry Potter wizard robe and wand. Lilly wore it all day. (That dumb wand about drove me insane) She even informed me that she was NEVER taking it off. She was even going to sleep in it. It made me laugh.

But the treasure I found was a few strands of star Christmas lights. Some how they were put in the Halloween bin and not the Christmas bins but it turned out perfect.

See, Lilly has been having some issues with the dark lately. For the past few weeks we have been sleeping with the bathroom light on, door wide open and not one but 3 night lights in her room.

She never had a problem with it until just now. But I suspect it has to do with all the scary Scooby Doo mysteries and Halloween shows she loves to watch. She loves scary things (very unlike her mother). But I think it's made her a little worried about the dark.

So when I saw the star lights, I had an idea.

I hung up the lights around her window. It makes her room quite bright as they are clear white stars. But its not any brighter than the bathroom light. It's just cheaper on the power bill and doesn't shine in all the other rooms

Lilly was very please. So was mom!

And now, I'm going to kick up my feet, sip a slurpee and watch a movie with my hubby to start off his birthday weekend celebration.

Hopefully I don't fall asleep.




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The Post That Isn't

I've written probably 101+ posts in my head. A little bit of everything. From sickness to layoffs to funny things the kids say.

Sooner rather than later I will update. Share a few stories, maybe just ramble a bit.

Until then, happy thoughts.

Be A Hero. Be An Organ Donor.