A Refocus

I'm a whiner and a complainer. It seems everything I talk about, write about, think about these days is negative. I am completely aware that I do this and that it bothers people (and myself).

The "Hi Crystal! How are you doing today?" isn't really an opportunity to share every ache, pain, frustration, etc. And yet, that's all I seem to do. My poor sweet husband not only has been carrying the extra burden of having a sick, incapacitated wife, he also has to hear me talk about it all the time.

It's like I have to take all that negativity and push it out of me. If I were to stay mum and keep it inside it would become worse.

Instead, I throw it out for the world to see... obnoxious isn't it? I bug myself!! Now, I really don't think there is anything wrong with sharing your feelings, even being a "Debbie Downer" from time to time. Life is full of ups and downs and unless you are an extremely private person (and then, even if you are) people are going to be able to see some of that roller coaster ride. It's okay to talk about it.

Yes, I've been suffering physically, emotionally, mentally... Every time I accomplish mundane every day tasks I am so proud of myself because it's something!! It's not wasting my life away on the couch sleeping. It's like doing the dishes is my own personal Mount Everest. You want the world to know you reached the summit and made it back alive!!

But now, for me, it's time for an attitude change.

If I keep thinking about how much of a challenge every day is, that's all it's ever going to be... a challenge.

Life is full of challenges but the whole purpose of being here is to find JOY!

My JOY is my family. My husband, my children, my sisters and brother, my parents, my in-laws... But I also want to be happy!! I want to enjoy each day like the blessing that it is. I want to have fun new experiences and go to bed satisfied with the fun things I did with my kids.

Does the pain control me or do I control it?

I have been blessed with so much. Over the entire course of my life I have seen and been given miracle after miracle. Blessing after blessing. This is what I need to focus on. Remember this and forget the rest.

A few months ago my church (LDS) had our semi-annual General Conference where our Priesthood leaders give talks and sermons that is broadcast all over the world for the members of our church to hear.

I watched my Prophet stand and say the words that my Heavenly Father knew I needed to hear.

"Be of good cheer. Your future is as bright as your faith."

It would be easy to become discouraged and cynical about the future—or even fearful of what might come—if we allowed ourselves to dwell only on that which is wrong in the world and in our lives. Today, however, I’d like us to turn our thoughts and our attitudes away from the troubles around us and to focus instead on our blessings as members of the Church. The Apostle Paul declared, “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

None of us makes it through this life without problems and challenges—and sometimes tragedies and misfortunes. After all, in large part we are here to learn and grow from such events in our lives. We know that there are times when we will suffer, when we will grieve, and when we will be saddened. However, we are told, “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.”

How might we have joy in our lives, despite all that we may face? Again from the scriptures: “Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you.”

I don't know about you, but I can not read that without tears streaming down my cheeks. (You really should go read the entire talk.) They are words that I have needed to hear for a very long time. Words from a Heavenly Father, who loves me, given through his Prophet here on earth. That alone is reason to be Joyful.

Will this be the last time that I complain or have a bad day? No. If only it were that easy. But I want you to know (and I need to remind myself) that I know I am not alone.




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A Few Recent Pictures

Lilly and her daddy. (She is SUCH a Daddy's Girl!)


We went to Utah's favorite amusement park, Lagoon. The kids had a BLAST!


Lilly celebrated her 4th birthday with a Princess Party.


Noah and Jasper are best buds.

Bad weathers. (This is what Lilly calls it. "Do you like bad weathers mom? I like bad weathers. Nanny only likes bad weathers if she is inside.")

Jasper the puppy BEFORE his haircut. Now he looks like a rat. But he's still super sweet and tons of fun. Even more so now that he is potty trained.

I am working on remodeling my kitchen, one small project at a time. First up? Painting my accent wall.


Lilly had cupcakes at her birthday this year. They were HUGE!



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Can I Say That On a Mommy Blogs?

I'm not much of a cusser. But sometimes it seems like if I could just go outside and scream a few profanities then I might feel better.

At least emotionally.



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My Beautiful Family

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Could Innocence Mean Innocent?

I vividly remember the evening that my dad came home with an expected gift.

I was about 2 or 3 (I don't remember if my brother had been born yet and I am two years older than he is). I was upstairs playing and when my dad came home from work, he insisted I come down stairs. I didn't want to but he kept calling me. When I came down he handed me a brown paper bag. It was large and flat and when I pulled out what was inside I jump and yelled with excitement.

Inside the paper bag was the new Michael Jackson record (yes, vinyl), Thriller.

I LOVED Michael Jackson!! I watched the music video and making of ALL the time. I even remember playing at the apartment complex play ground, sitting under the slide in the shade, playing in the sand, and informing my friend that "when I grow up, I'm going to marry Michael Jackson!".

I remember kneeling in front of the T.V. and watching the Motown 25 Special. Seeing MJ in his black sequin jacket and his silver glove. I swooned as he Moon-Walked across the stage.

He was beyond talented. His music and performing genius have never been matched. Even those who do not "like" his style of music can not deny that he was and always will be the King of Pop.

I have always been saddened that his outrageous behavior in later years, and the disgusting accusations (true or untrue) over-shadowed the amazing legacy that his hard work and talent created.

Now that he is gone, and the media frenzy calmed, what will he be remembered for? Changing the history of music forever or Wacko Jacko jokes about the K-mart specials?

Honestly, I think its a tragedy. While I know many will not agree with me, it might even upset them, I don't believe MJ was guilty of the crimes he was accused of. Yes, he was a troubled man. Yes, he said and did a lot of strange and questionable things. But I believe the only thing he was guilty of was being naive, making poor decisions, and maybe even being emotionally stunted.

This was a man who had been performing since he was 5 years old!! His mother is devoutly religious (she is a Jehova's Witness) and his father, physically and emotionally abusive. As MJ repeatedly said many times, he never had a childhood. His entire life was spent performing. He could not go anywhere or do anything without being swarmed and screamed at. Chased and mauled.

Add this to a low self-esteem and struggling with self-image, can we really judge how or why? Can we say we would have been any different?

I watched a special on MJ's life recently. Gladys Knight was being interviewed and she made, what I believe, was a very good point. She said (paraphrasing here) that, every time he went somewhere or did something he was wasn't allowed to be his own person. He was "our" MJ. Every time people yelled and screamed and swarmed him they stole bits and pieces of him. One piece at a time.

He experienced a fame no one ever has. When you know nothing different what does it do to you mentally? Emotionally?

It's no question he lived in pain. The kind medicine can numb (as reports now claim he tried very hard to do) and the kind that medicine can't touch (as is evident by his drastically changing appearance).

It's my belief that it was a child-like innocence and a naivity in his actions and chosen words that would cause him to become such a target.

He had wealth beyond the imagination and yet he was never too good for a child. I think greed became a driving force for some people who selfishly sought out a way to manipulate and lie themselves into his hard earned riches.

He was guilty in public opinion even when a jury found him innocent. Was it because we didn't understand? How could we understand? No one has ever experienced the same extremes that filled his life.

As I said before, I know many won't agree. Especially when it comes to the topic of a child's innocence. I want to clarify that I don't feel this way just because of his talent. Or because I love his music and have fond childhood memories of all things MJ. I have always been one to feel that you should error on the side of caution. A child's innocence is worth far more than music genius and a few million albums could ever be.

But every time I listened to MJ talk or give an interview it was a child-like innocence that I heard behind his words. It was misplaced trust in people and interpretations coupled with bad decisions, a dysfunctional childhood, and a fame unfathomable to even the very famous.

I normally don't write posts about nothing but my opinion. Mainly because, while I feel strongly about respecting everyone's God given right to their own thoughts, opinions, and choices, I don't like to have my God given right of the same questioned or taken away. (Pretty pig-headed, I know.) But as I become less medicated and more my opinionated self, I find it harder and harder to not use my blog for sharing "MY" thoughts. However unpopular they may be.

And now, I find myself wanting to defend a man I never knew. Do I KNOW he was innocent? No. Only God and a very few people on this earth know the truth. But I suspect that it was his innocence that convinced everyone of his guilt.




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If Today Was Your Last Day?

I have liked Nickelback since they first came out. I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that they are Canadian and while I love being an American, I've always had a "thing" for Canadians.

Anyways -that could be a series of posts all its own- I recently came across their song "If Today Was Your Last Day". I never listen to the radio anymore thanks to my iPod. But I downloaded it and I love it!

It's probably striking me more due to my life's current events. But even without all that, it has a fabulous message. So I wanted to share the lyrics with you. If you have never heard it, go find it on Amazon or iTunes and give it a whirl.

If Today Was Your Last Day ~Nickelback

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?

What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes'
Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life

Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?
And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day


What would *you* do if today was *your* last day?


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